And be not afraid

Guest post by Dadda (aka Marc Minish)

I borrowed the title of this article from 1 Peter, Chapter 3. Oh, be ye not afraid that I’ll go off on some metaphysical discussion about the meaning of the Bible or what Peter really meant when he spoke these words two thousand years ago. Peter, you understand, had a much deeper meaning to his message than I do today. Still, I have some important observations about modern suburban middle class life that you might find interesting. My observation might be particularly important to anyone with kids. I’m going to talk to you today about… pizza.

Our family favorite - pepperoni pizza

Of course, what is there not to love about pizza? It’s gooey. It’s greasy. You can cut it into spiffy little triangles. It’s generally covered in enough cholesterol sodden cheese that your arteries will notice. And for all of us lazy suburbanites with hungry little people about the house, for about $25, in half an hour you can have a pimple-faced teenager show up at your door with a short flat box containing a delicious, steaming pizza. Put another way, you can pay just $25 to completely absolve yourself of the parental responsibility of cooking your kids a balanced meal. As I write this article on the 4th of July, all I can say to this very American concept is… GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Okay, so we can all agree that having pizzas delivered to your home is just a peachy idea, but you still have to order the pizza. Nowadays, everyone is all about smart phone apps and the Internet. You can even track your pizza – from the process of it being made to its journey through the oven, to delivery at your door – right from your smart phone.

As many of you know, my wife and I recently moved into a new home. Yesterday, I attempted to place an order to the local Dominos. Many of you also know that I’m not exactly what you might call techno-savvy, but I decided to get with the 21st century and order my pizza online.

I found the Dominos website easily enough. I clicked on the button to place my order online. The website asked if this was for delivery or pickup and then asked for my address. For whatever reason, their website didn’t like my address at first and told me that no such address existed. How dare it! For Peter’s sake, I’m sitting in the house as I’m placing the order. Stupid computer!

After more than half an hour of figuring out which address their website would actually accept and going through a ridiculously over complicated series of decisions as to what I actually wanted to order, I was finally led to the webpage where I had to enter my credit card number. That’s when I noticed the price of my order came to almost $40. 

You see, I had a coupon that was supposed to chop the price down to nearly half of that amount, but nope… the Dominos website was having none of it. Over and over, I tried to enter my order, but all for nothing. I should also point out that it’s a good thing that my wonderful wife had taken our youngest out into the backyard to play while I was doing all of this because otherwise I might have to explain to a 2-year-old not to repeat certain four-lettered words shouted out by daddy.

In all, I spent about 45 minutes just trying to PLACE my order online only to be foiled by some mystery glitch. I could have already been enjoying a pizza in the length of time I spent just trying to be a modern tech-savvy man. In the end, I called the local Dominos on the phone. A youthful and chipper sounding person took my address, my order and my credit card number in less than five minutes and even told me to have a “Happy 4th of July.” She sounded like she was smiling as she said this and, call me gullible, but I think she really meant it.

So, what does this have to do with not being afraid and all? A lot. You have probably seen something on the news or read a newspaper article about how artificial intelligence will soon be taking away our jobs, cars are on the verge of driving themselves, and well, who hasn’t seen the 1980s movie “Terminator.” 

I’m here to tell you that all of these fears are a just bunch of hullabaloo. I’m sure there are some fine folks working at Dominos, but if you can’t even order a pizza online, nobody, and I mean NOBODY is in danger of losing their jobs from an imminent artificial intelligence revolution. Be ye not afraid, the Terminator is not coming any time soon!